By the Office of Student Wellness (spiritually, anyway)
Peru Retreat Adds 'DuB-Power' Chakra Curriculum with Phallic Energy Rods and Llama Aura Cleansing
In an effort to "fully align the retreat with the vibrational architecture of the Andean plane," the Office of Student Wellness has unveiled the DuB-Power curriculum, a spiritual program built around the university's two signature energy centers: the Ascending Staff and the Descending Stones. According to lead facilitator and part-time adjunct Aurora Moonwater, a BFA from 2006 and a Reiki Level IV certificate obtained via email, these centers "are not metaphors. They are literal cosmic antennae that have been broadcasting at the frequency of the Tennessee state bird since 1923, which is why our parking lots are always full."
The curriculum organizes participants' energies into a proprietary 12-point chakra system, replacing the traditional seven because, in Ms. Moonwater's words, "the Andean mountains have two extra chakras, and one of them is in the fleece." Students will be guided through weekly alignments that include: the Warm Up Chakra (located in the hand sanitizer), the Second Nostril Chakra (aired weekly), the Parking Chakra (resonant with the bell tower's hum), and the Stakeholder Alignment Chakra, which is only activated during endowment conversations.
Daily programming begins at 4:30 AM with astral projection, a practice Ms. Moonwater defends by noting that "the veil between worlds is thinnest before the espresso machine turns on, and also the resort's breakfast buffet is $18, so we shepherd students to the astral plane where the granola is free." Participants are encouraged to travel astrally to their 8 AM classes back in Dickson, reportedly saving an average of 11 minutes of commute. No student has yet confirmed a successful return journey, which the university considers "phase one of a two-phase study."
"The phallus is the lightning rod, and the balls are the grounding. Together they form a DuB-power grid that connects Dickson, Tennessee, to the sacred cleft of the Andes. I have charted this. The chart is mostly arrows."
Central to the experience is Llama Aura Cleansing, a practice in which trained llamas "pin negative energy in place with their gaze" while students rotate slowly through a field of slowly swinging alpaca bells. The alpaca bells, tuned to the note of the retreat's water filter, produce what Ms. Moonwater calls "a sound bath that flushes the root chakra through the sink drain." Students who reported feeling nothing were informed their "receptivity matrix was moist," and were prescribed additional coca tea, which the university notes is both traditional and, technically, an energizer.
Sacred geometry will also feature prominently. Retreat organizers assert that Machu Picchu's sacred alignment is a mirror of the flagstone walkway in front of Hardphallus Hall, a claim supported by a drone photograph that looks nothing like Machu Picchu but is "very moving." Weekly moon ceremonies require students to project their intentions into quartz crystals, which are then "buried in the corner of the field where the wifi doesn't reach," so that the intentions may "simmer in the dark like a good personality."
The Office of Student Wellness has confirmed that the DuB-Power curriculum carries three elective credits and is fully refundable in spirit within the first two hours, after which "the energy has already been redistributed." The required final reflection for the Sacred Valley Seminar Series has been expanded to include a hand-drawn chakra map of both the student and one llama of their choice.
By Lisa Torrence, Staff Reporter
UODNB Announces Inaugural Sacred Valley Retreat in Peru
The University of Dick and Balls has announced its first-ever study retreat in Peru's Sacred Valley, a seven-day immersive experience promising "the educational trip of a lifetime" — or at the very least, a trip. The retreat features llama-assisted mindfulness sessions, sunrise seminars at Machu Picchu, guided cacao ceremonies, and a full day of "Andean-inspired" self-discovery that administrators have confirmed is mostly just walking and looking at mountains.
Priced at $4,999 plus airfare, the retreat sold out in 11 minutes after the announcement email was sent at 6:00 AM on a Tuesday. University officials initially called the response "overwhelming" before adding that the 11-minute sellout may have been assisted by a typo in the email subject line reading "FREE Machu Picchu, bring snacks." The waitlist now stands at 2,300 students, several of whom have reportedly emailed the Office of the Registrar weekly since February asking about a "mechanical llama" option.
"This retreat represents everything we stand for: rigorous academics, global citizenship, and an aggressive, unforgettable social media presence. Students will return changed. The llamas will ensure it."
Participants earn three elective credits through the "Sacred Valley Seminar Series," which includes a required final project: a 500-word reflection on "What the Mountains Taught Me About My 8 AM Class." According to the syllabus, the reflection may be submitted in any format, including voice memo, interpretive dance, or — in one case last year at a pilot program — a dramatic reading performed to alpacas.
Additional sessions include a coca tea welcome station, a condor watching expedition (birds optional), and a group dinner at which attendees are strongly encouraged to try cuy, a traditional Peruvian delicacy, in the spirit of cultural exchange. Attendance at the dinner is not technically required, though retreat staff have confirmed that anyone who declines will be "talked about fondly but persistently for the remainder of the trip."
The retreat returns every summer, with dates for the 2025 cohort to be announced once the university figures out how many alpacas it can legally own in Tennessee.
By Marcus Hale, Staff Reporter
Professor's Laptop Eaten by Alpaca During Peru Retreat
Dr. Hans Pfister, Professor of Chemistry and a faculty chaperone on the inaugural UODNB Sacred Valley Retreat, lost his university-issued laptop on the first morning of the trip when it was consumed by a 7-year-old alpaca named Tito at a farm outside Urubamba.
According to witnesses, Dr. Pfister had placed the laptop on a wooden fencepost to check his email while the group waited for a bus. Tito, described by farm staff as "a beautiful animal with a serious eating disorder," approached calmly, inspected the device, and ate it in what one student called "three confident, deliberate bites." The laptop, a three-year-old model already scheduled for replacement, contained approximately 1,200 lecture slides, 14 years of grant proposals, and a half-eaten granola bar.
"I watched 14 years of work disappear into a single, extremely stylish animal," Dr. Pfister told reporters. "At first I was devastated. Then Tito burped, and honestly? I felt lighter. It was the most effective unplugging I've ever experienced."
"Chemistry is 80% memory and 20% whatever my notes said. I'll be teaching General Chemistry from the 80% this fall. It's fine. Tito is fine. We're all fine."
Tito has since become the unofficial mascot of the retreat, and the incident has spawned a campus fundraiser, the "Alpaca-Sscholarship," which will award one student $500 toward textbook costs. The Department of Chemistry has confirmed it will purchase a reinforced laptop case for Dr. Pfister's replacement device, with an optional alpaca-proofing package estimated at an additional $12.
By Lisa Torrence, Staff Reporter
Peru Retreat Study Group Accidentally Joins Llama Fleece-Marking Festival
A group of 14 UODNB students attending the Sacred Valley Retreat spent six hours herding, tagging, and marking 80 llamas on April 6 after mistaking a local llama fleece-marking festival for their scheduled "Cultural Immersion Workshop: Andean Textile Traditions."
The group had been told to meet their guide "at the field past the blue church." What they found was a field of 80 highly opinionated llamas, a pen of freshly sharpened marking tools, and Don Emilio, a 68-year-old farmer who — after determining the students were not, in fact, the veterinary students he'd requested — decided to teach them the process anyway.
"They were very enthusiastic and very slow," Don Emilio said through an interpreter. "But they learned. By hour four, three of them could hold a llama still. That is more than my own nephew can do."
The students emerged from the festival with volunteer credit, four cuts between them, two hatfuls of fleece, and a group photo that has since gone viral on the university's Instagram with the caption "We meant to do this." One student, sophomore Bailey Roan, was offered a summer job by Don Emilio, who reportedly cited her "natural calm around nervous animals." Bailey has not yet decided, though she told reporters she is "thinking about it a lot more than you'd expect."
"I came to Peru to learn about textiles. I left knowing how to safely restrain a 150-pound llama and the exact number of llamas it takes to make a really good sweater. Both skills feel relevant to my future."
The Office of Study Abroad has confirmed that a corrected itinerary is being issued for future retreats, and that future "Cultural Immersion Workshops" will include a location photo and a contact number. Don Emilio, for his part, has requested that UODNB "send more students, especially the calm ones."
By Lisa Torrence, Staff Reporter
Dr. Margaret Chen Wins NSF CAREER Award for Quantum Materials Research
The National Science Foundation has selected Dr. Margaret Chen, Associate Professor of Physics at the University of Dick and Balls, to receive a Faculty Early Career Development (CAREER) Award — the NSF's most prestigious honor for early-career researchers. The grant, totaling $750,000 over five years, will fund her research into novel quantum materials with applications in next-generation computing and energy storage technologies.
Dr. Chen's project, titled "Engineered Quantum Lattices for Ultra-Low-Power Electronics," focuses on synthesizing and characterizing two-dimensional materials that exhibit exotic quantum properties at room temperature. These materials could one day replace silicon in transistors, enabling devices that are dramatically faster and more energy-efficient than anything on the market today.
"This award is a testament not just to our lab's work, but to the culture of rigorous, curiosity-driven research at UODNB. Our students are the heart of this project, and I'm excited to give them hands-on experience with materials that may define the future of electronics."
Dr. Chen joined UODNB in 2016 after completing her Ph.D. at MIT. She is the first faculty member at the university to receive an NSF CAREER Award since 2012. The award also includes funding for a summer research program for undergraduate students from underrepresented backgrounds, designed to broaden participation in STEM fields.
By Marcus Hale, Staff Reporter
UODNB Launches New Online MBA Program for Working Professionals
The School of Business at the University of Dick and Balls has announced the launch of a new fully online MBA program tailored for working professionals. The 36-credit-hour program will offer concentrations in Finance, Healthcare Management, and Entrepreneurship, with classes beginning in Fall 2024.
The program is designed for flexibility, featuring accelerated eight-week terms and asynchronous coursework that allows students to complete assignments on their own schedules. A hybrid format will also be available for students who prefer occasional in-person sessions on the Dickson campus. Tuition has been set at $650 per credit hour, competitive with peer institutions in the region.
"We designed this program around the real constraints our students face — demanding careers, family obligations, and limited time. Every element, from the eight-week terms to the asynchronous delivery, is built to make a world-class MBA accessible without requiring a career break."
Admissions applications are now open for the inaugural Fall 2024 cohort. The program does not require the GMAT or GRE for admission; instead, applicants will be evaluated based on professional experience, academic record, and a personal statement. Prospective students can learn more at uodnb.edu/admissions/graduate.
By Staff Reporter
Kessler Hall Student Housing Opens Ahead of Schedule
The University of Dick and Balls has opened the doors to Kessler Hall, a new 200-bed student residence facility, three weeks ahead of the originally projected completion date. The building, located on the north side of campus adjacent to the Rection Student Center, is now welcoming its first residents for the spring semester.
Kessler Hall represents a significant investment in campus sustainability. The building features rooftop solar panels expected to offset 30% of its energy consumption, a rainwater harvesting system for landscape irrigation, and a green roof planted with native Tennessee wildflowers. The structure achieved LEED Gold certification from the U.S. Green Building Council, making it the most environmentally friendly building on campus.
The residence offers a mix of single and double rooms arranged in suite-style configurations of four to six students, each with a shared kitchenette and living area. Communal study lounges on every floor, a ground-floor tutoring center, and a rooftop terrace provide additional spaces for learning and socializing. The project was made possible by a naming gift from the Kessler family of Dickson, long-time supporters of the university.
By Lisa Torrence, Staff Reporter
Spring Semester Enrollment Reaches Record 3,847 Students
The University of Dick and Balls has achieved its highest spring semester enrollment in the institution's 101-year history, with 3,847 students registered for classes — a 4.2% increase over the previous spring's 3,692. The growth was driven primarily by strong increases in graduate program enrollment and continued expansion of the university's online learning platform.
Graduate enrollment rose 7.1% to 812 students, fueled by new program offerings in Data Analytics and Public Health. Online enrollment grew 12.3% to 634 students, as the university invested in expanded course offerings and improved learning management technology. Undergraduate enrollment held steady at 2,401 students.
"These numbers tell a story about what happens when you invest in programs students actually need, support them with meaningful financial aid, and build an online infrastructure that meets them where they are. We're not chasing enrollment for its own sake — we're growing because we're delivering value."
University officials attributed the growth to several factors, including a 15% increase in financial aid awards, the launch of three new graduate programs, and targeted recruitment efforts in underserved communities across middle Tennessee. UODNB expects enrollment to continue rising as the Fall 2024 online MBA program launches.
By Marcus Hale, Staff Reporter
Business School Receives AACSB Reaccreditation
The School of Business at the University of Dick and Balls has earned renewed accreditation from the Association to Advance Collegiate Schools of Business (AACSB), the gold standard for business school accreditation worldwide. The designation places UODNB's business school among the top 6% of the roughly 16,000 business programs globally that hold AACSB accreditation.
The reaccreditation process, which takes place every five years, involves a rigorous multi-year self-study followed by a peer review visit. Evaluators assessed the school's mission and strategic management, faculty qualifications and contributions, the quality and rigor of its curriculum, the impact of its research, and the outcomes achieved by its graduates.
AACSB accreditation signals to employers, graduate schools, and professional organizations that UODNB's business programs meet the highest standards of quality. Graduates of AACSB-accredited schools are eligible for advanced standing at many top MBA programs and are preferred by Fortune 500 recruiters. The School of Business has held continuous AACSB accreditation since 2005.
